Things my mother taught me

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

My mom's biggest pet peeve -- when my brother and I wrestled on the couch.

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

Reminds me of the time I was messing with our satellite dish (one of the big ones) and knocked it off its stand. I did a lot of praying that day!

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

You could run from my mom because she wasn't fast. But she had great endurance!

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

I'm convinced this is a parent's best friend. I knew I was an adult the day this phrase came out of my mouth.

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

I never broke a bone as a child. It was probably so I would always be able to go to the store.

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

This particular pearl of wisdom comes not from my mother but from my friend's mom. It is something we should all live by: "Always drive the speed limit because you never know when someone will throw a bag of nails out the window."

That woman was a genius! Funny thing was that it worked on my friend!

7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

What does this even mean?

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

I remember reading Little Farmer Boy (Laura Ingalls Wilder) as a kid and coming across the scene where Almanzo gets in trouble for talking at the table. I always thought that rule alone would have doomed me as a pioneer child. I could never keep my mouth shut.

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

I don't know about this, but I am certain my mom had eyes on the back of her head and spies all over town!

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

I still hate spinach.

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

And still kind of a slob.

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

Seriuosly. A million times. She counted.

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

I always liked the Bill Cosby addendum to this: "And I can make another that looks just like you."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

In my case, the bad example was my grandmother. It worked, though.

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

The older I get, the more I discover that this one is actually true!

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

And I would hit the ground running. See 3 for the result.

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

I refer you to the above.

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

I think the very act of having a kid embues one with some sort of medical knowledge. Mom kisses always make boo-boos better.

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

I am convinced my mom either had ESP or a vast intelligence network. MY husband once interviewed for a job and discovered his interviewer was from my hometown. Turns out he was the older brother of one of my brother's friends. I never even knew the guy had a brother. The next time I talked to my mom, I mentioned this to her. She said, "Oh, right. How is Jeff?" How the hell did she know that?

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

I have often thought my brother and I got some of my parents' best personality traits. My mom has absolutely no sense of humor, but loves to read fiction and loves sci-fi. My dad is very funny, reads only non-fiction but hates sci-fi. We kids have all those things (except the hate for sci-fi).

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My mom turned me from a picky eater into the exact opposite. I am very easy to split a pizza with.

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

Again, it was Granny. My grandfather's pet name for her? Toad. I kid you not.

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My most common retort to this: "Weren't you there?" Again, my mom has NO sense of humor.

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

The price of wisdom is old age. And $1.67 . Exact change only.

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

I'd be good with that. :-)